As one of the newer action stars on the block, Jason Statham has been entertaining us for the best part of the last 20 years. With his lean and rock hard physique coupled with his gruff English accent, Statham epitomizes the hard man energy needed to survive on screen. Be it French goons, gigantic sharks, vampires from Mars, or Jet Li, Statham has taken everyone on.
Given a license to create bad Photoshop images and discuss hypothetical film pitches that will never happen, here we suggest exactly who The Stath should beat the crap out of next.
Jason Vs Superman
Warner Bros.
Tagline: #ReleaseTheStathamCut
Literally any change to Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice could only improve it as a movie, so let’s off The Batman and have Statham Vs Cavill. Why not, I guess.
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Getting a job at a rival newspaper company, Statham, breaking the fourth wall and talking directly to the audience, seems to be the only one that realizes that Clark Kent is just Superman but with glasses on. Using this information for his own gain, Statham’s character clashes with the Man of Steel to create new stories and exclusives to use in his own publication. Subtly critiquing mass media and what fandom means, while heavily using fake news as a theme, this is the thinking man’s comic book film. The “S” on his chest? That stands for Statham.
Jason Statham Vs Kong
Tagline: No-One Makes Him Second Banana
Having pretty much already done this with that single scene in Crank 2, one member of cinema royalty must scrap another. Realizing that a muscle-bound gorilla requires another to take down, a crack team of scientists shrinks King Kong down to a likewise 5'8 so that their secret weapon (Jason Statham) can finally take Kong out. À la Face/Off or Rob Schneider’s The Hot Chick, this will also double up as a body-swap comedy as Kong’s monkey mind is accidentally switched into Statham’s and vice versa. It’s three and a half hours long.
Jason Statham Vs Aquaman
DC Comics
Tagline: Fish N Chips
For this, Jason Momoa’s Aquaman would not be utilized, but rather the blond, campy, fishnet-tights version of the ’60s, here played by Jesse Plemons. In a neat nod to Jason’s own Olympic diving roots for the United Kingdom, Statham would take on the king of the sea himself. Statham, playing grizzled lighthouse keeper John “London” Irish, meets Aquaman and challenges him simply by calling him an “arsehole.”
A moody and grim DC trailer to be revealed at Comic-Con will see a shirtless Statham fighting the Kraken, while a slowed down version of Bobby Darin’s Beyond the Sea plays over the top. Following the film’s success, a long-running line of comic books and action figures based on Jason Statham follow. Bring your speedo.
Jason Statham Vs Idris Elba
Tagline: God Save The King
In a list that becomes increasingly dumb, this clash actually makes sense. Both of them are English actors, Statham is 55 and Elba is 50, and they have previous history in their Hobbs and Shaw picture. Either actor could arguably play Bond at this point, so give us a spy feature with lots of hand-to-hand combat and even more gruff tête-à-tête. Alternatively, a Heat meets My Dinner With Andre feature length talkie between the two of them (with subtitles for the American viewers) would also be fantastic.
Jason Vs Jason
New Line Cinema
Tagline: Jason²
Fred’s dead, baby. Set in the year 2257, Jason Voorhees has wiped out almost 90% of the human population. As Friday the 13th approaches on the calendar yet again, in a last bid to rid the planet of Voorhees before he kills anyone left, a desperate group of freedom fighters unthaw history’s greatest warrior to help them.
Jason Statham, playing himself here, thrives in this horror comedy as a fish out of water who must come to terms with everyone he knows being dead and that he is forced into being humanity’s savor once more. One of the best moments in the film is when Jason Statham looks at the unfortunate date, proceeds to poke Jason through the hockey mask’s eyeholes, and quips “Guess it’s my lucky day!”
Jason Statham Vs Jason Bourne
Warner Bros.
Tagline: Bourne To Die
Jesus Christ, it’s Jason Statham. As the Jason Bourne films revolutionized what action filmmaking should be, discarding the Bond template before it, Statham the actor was also emerging with his works in the same field with Crank and The Transporter. Having a stripped back and serious Statham vs Jason Bourne actually makes sense, as the film series has dined out on its physicality, something that Statham would fit right at home in. Denzel Washington as The Equalizer also shows up at the end credits sting, hinting at a sequel.
Jason Vs The Argonauts
Columbia Pictures
Tagline: Hercules, who?
A swords and sandals epic, with a totally game Statham keeping his real accent despite it being set in Greece. A goony, out-there mash up of Harryhausen meets Army of Darkness. It’s still undecided whether Statham himself will lead the Argonauts, or be some horrible stop-motion monster himself that they must slay, but despite the fact that we put this one down solely for its wordplay, it just feels oddly… right. Jason Statham fighting a bunch of stop-motion monsters and punching a snake-haired Medusa in the face before bedding her is something that must now happen. Oh, it’s also in 3D.
Crank Vs The Transporter
Lionsgate
Tagline: “Crank One Out for the Boys”
In the early to mid-2000s, Jason Statham was pulling away from the cockney British gangster films that had shown he could act (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch) and was developing into an action star of his very own. By 2009, he had completed The Transporter trilogy, and closed out a second (and even more bananas) Crank film. Going back to his early action movie heyday, let’s imagine a cranked up clash between his Transporter and Crank characters (Frank and Chev).
Here’s our pitch: Frank finds himself moving human organs. In this case, Chev Chelios’ heart. Knowing what the audience wants, the movie builds to a clash between the two as they finally meet 50 minutes into the run time to duke it out. With the two characters so intrinsically linked, and so vitally important for the actor’s career, this would be Jason’s Stathamverse. It will unfortunately be dubbed Cranksporter by critics.
But with the characters so matched, who would win? Reaching out to one half of Crank 1 and 2 directing team in Mark Neveldine via email, he got back to us with his thoughts almost instantly:
Jason Statham Vs Predator
20th Century Studios
Tagline: Even Faster. Even Furiouser.
This one would actually pop off. Critiquing on how our action stars have transitioned from the hulking Arnold Schwarzenegger to the wiry Statham would be a fantastic coup for the series. Following Prey’s success earlier this year, Statham would fit like a glove in the new direction of the Predator series, where many are hoping the Predator will take on other genres and time periods.
Aside from Predataor: Tokyo Drift, and following Prey’s setting in the past, we’re pitching Statham as a general in the Great War whose platoon gets killed by the Predator. Believing the culprit to be a German sniper, Statham pursues the Predator, only for the hunter to become the hunted, with Statham fighting his way through muddy trenches. Phwoar.
